There have always been a couple of days each week when my daughter sleeps at her dad's so I have not been unaccustomed to waking up in my apartment by myself. But I have always known that she would be back soon and I'd see her later that day or at the very latest the next day. But the day she is scheduled to leave for college is a little over two weeks away and I awoke this morning with a feeling that my skin doesn't quite fit my body anymore and there is an emptiness in my chest. It is a part of me, calling out in an echoing tunnel, for the old that has past...the sleepy baby, the curious, giggling girl, the awkward pre-teen who is now both confident and overwhelmed by change. These aspects of her live within her cellular memory and mine. They live in a dimension in the present but have stepped into the periphery of the room or into deep almost untouchable recesses.
I have chosen to attempt to plug up this enormous hole in my heart with something I have been interested in studying for quite some time: Ayurveda and it's application to the yoga I have been practicing for thirty five years and teaching for twenty five. I will have the time now as she goes off to pursue her dream of of learning how to teach elementary school. She is moving on with the work of her stage of life on the Medicine Wheel: mastery leading to independence with integrity. I am struggling with my first assignment from the Ayurvedic program which seems to be related to my teenage self: what dosha or doshas am I primarily and how is my Agni? These seem like identity questions. This may be a stage of life to revisit the identity question. Who am I beyond being my daughter's mother? She has been my life's work for nineteen years if I count growing her in the belly. This time nineteen years ago I learned she was growing in there...such a sweet discovery.
I am also feeling the stage of life related to my elder self. I know there is still much mothering to be done but it will be different long distance. I will have more freedom to study and work and teach, grow in wisdom and share this wisdom. I hope to share more about this in coming posts. It is just something I am feeling, trying on today.
Lastly, I wish to say a few words about trauma-ism. As I had to get past old trauma to become a social worker as my step uncle who abused me was a social worker and family therapist, I have to get past old trauma to study Ayurveda. As I read the text books they are loaded with Sanskrit words. My step father who abused me frequently said grace in Sanskrit before meals. He practice Vedanta and was something of a Sanskrit scholar so these words are very triggering to me. I am perplexed by how people aspire to compassion and evolution and yet can allow very dark parts to take over causing great damage. I will work through the trauma to get to the soul enriching, but I know it won't be easy. I will speak more on all these topics I have introduced in future posts.