I wish to write about forgiveness with respect to shamanism, Ayurveda, psychological thought and my understanding of life so far. I am not the best at forgiveness, of myself or others. My mother and step father as well as the Catholic Church I was exposed to growing up seemed to emphasize the punitive rather than the dynamic of forgiveness. Rather than experiencing the people in my life growing up losing it on occasion and behaving in way that was less than acceptable, apologizing and making amends so we all could move on, they rationalized their perpetual unacceptable behavior, blamed me for it and continued to be abusive. When I was a child I learned to split off from myself or to dissociate to tolerate this. One part of me seemed to always know they were wrong and there was a better world somewhere. Another part of me absorbed the victim blaming and blamed myself and was self punitive. Yet another part acted tough, pretended none of it was a big deal and joined my parents in their convoluted world of life being a playground for drunk, arrogant exploiters.

Decades of healing have helped with this fragmentation. From therapy I learned to be nicer to myself, forgiving, kind and even tender sometimes. I have learned there is no such thing as perfect, therefore not as much to blame myself for. My inner perfectionist can step aside and not take over because there are other parts of me with more reasonable standards. I have learned from indigenous thinking also to embrace imperfections and that there is a way that human interaction works when we are functional. In this value system we live in harmony with Mother Earth and we create a sense of safety and belonging for one another, encourage people to find out who they are and to master the tasks they need to learn to express who they are. We encourage independence with integrity and practice healthy reciprocity with others. Healthy reciprocity is one of my favorite practices because it means we are aware of the needs of others as well as ourselves and we are committed to practicing fairness.

So I am struggling with forgiving myself for making the same mistakes over and over again. And I am wondering how the elements and my doshas might interact to create healthy forgiveness for myself and others. Trust and safety seem to be my first concern. I didn't really get to grow up with a healthy sense of either and still struggle with both of these things. I feel that vata and the elements of air and space do support me with perspective and breath. When I breathe I can sense the whole picture of myself. Kapha and the elements of earth and water help me mother myself, so I can remember and endorse myself for all the good things I do and have done. I can bring into my consciousness how consistent I am in my work, always learning to enhance my skills, and how I have been a good mother in spite of mistakes I have made and continue to make. I can also make amends to myself by remembering that I have done a good job as an adult in spite of not having real nurturing support growing up, but trauma and abuse instead.

Then I can handle the pitta, the fire. In the fire I can see the issues I still have to work on such as continuing to speak up even though someone I am in an intimate relationship with seems to not want to hear it sometimes. As don Miguel Ruiz would say, I need to not assume anything, especially that I have been heard and understood until I get a real sign that I have been. It was so scary to speak up in my family. I often did it at my own peril. Other people aren't so scary now, especially the people I am choosing to be friends and family with and I am not so small and needy. But I am still asking, what do I do with my needs in a relationship and partnership when they seem to be at odds with the other person's? I only know I can't postpone them without consequence in the reality of my inner environment.

I can also work with the elements to see the whole picture of someone else, even when I am mad (vata) and therefore also see their good. I can express this to them and also be nurturing, enjoying the time with them (kapha). I can also use the fire (pitta) to work through the difficulty, the dynamics that are hurtful and are not working. My solidness, kapha, can help me to hold my ground around my needs as I mother myself while I also pay attention to another. It helps to have range within individual elements as well as embracing all of them consciously. Now I'm off to try this out in the real world...

Yesterday we went to the zoo for the last time before my daughter leaves for college. This was something that she felt was important for her to do with her best friend. As we observed all the animals I could see all the ages the girls had ever been and ever will be in this place that brings out the inner child and the sage, acknowledging ourselves and the magnificent beings we live with, with Mother Earth. (It is important to acknowledge that we live with Mother Earth rather than on her.) We all walked the collective nesting dolls of ourselves around this special place, sensing our so many layers, so many levels, so many simultaneous feelings, accomplishments and griefs.

I am so proud of her and I am accepting on most levels this necessary shift in our lives as she moves away and on, a natural flow to the next stage of life for both of us. But I am feeling more of my anxiety today about the profound shift in my sense of rootedness, my "family life" and I have been re-visited by a physical condition that is connected to my root chakra that has not presented itself in a long time. There have also been big shifts in the lives of many of my long term friends who I consider family, as well as changes and stress in some of the more recent connections I have made.

In an effort to feel myself more at peace with my changing roots I decided to revisit a meditation/journey taught to me by my Kung Fu teacher long ago of sitting with my roots extended deep down into Mother Earth, feeling them reach Her core. At the same time I feel the crown of my head reaching up to the sun/heavens. In this way I am connected to my spiritual Mother and Father and know I am not alone in the universe no matter what else is reconfiguring. I can trust the Yin and the Yang, the Kundalini and the Prana, to always be there. We are denying reality to whatever degree when we don't acknowledge this connection: without Mother Earth and the sun we would not be here in physical bodies. After doing this I feel a bit more spacious, open to possibilities of healing and a renewed commitment to minimize the stresses as much as possible at this busy, tumultuous time. Since my first chakra is about trust, I need to reassess what I can trust and then allow myself to lean on it a bit. In this meditation/journey I did connect to my Spirit Guides who support me in making sense of things and extend healing energy to me that I can then extend to others.

Modern psychology and psychotherapy discuss ego defenses, coping mechanisms, personalities, aspects or parts of the self. I am formulating some thoughts about the parts of myself and the elements they may contain and how these elements interact so that one part may dominate in a certain situation rather than another for better or worse. In Ayurveda I am learning that the elements I learned about in shamanic healing (earth, water, fire, air and space/etheric) also form doshas or biological, psychological patterns of energy. They are woven throughout the body and the psyche. I am beginning to explore how I sense these doshas impact my choices and behavior.

For example, the last few years for a few reasons, I have watched a lot of netflix. I think of this as my kapha taking over, the part of me that tends to be more sedentary expressing primarily earth, but also some water. I have experienced a couple of major losses in the last couple of years which have created grieving and a need to be planted, in stillness and regroup. There is also an element of pitta or fire to the netflix watching as I have a passion for stories, which are healing as I have learned from Dr. Lewis Mehl-Madrona. My viewing time consists of about 70% cop shows and I am thrilled when they focus explicitly on issues of sexual violence, sometimes catching perpetrators, always acknowledging its "heinousness" as in Law and Order: SVU. These shows and their points of view did not exist when I was growing up, so I grew up very confused, with Lolita and Freud and other such pedophilia justifying or practicing rationalizations. So my fire of pitta drives me to watch (fueled by emotional water) as my kapha keeps me still to engage in this activity. (I really hadn't been watching any TV since I graduated from high school at 16.) So I heal in the part of me that needs this seemingly endless validation for what was endlessly invalidated as I was growing up, while I waste an enormous amount of time with respect to my other parts that are intellectually curious and want to spend time in rooms with real people.

I am left to ask what dosha would have to be activated to do this in moderation? Perhaps vata, air and space. I could breathe and see this in some perspective. I could receive the abundance I have taken in, deeper into my traumatized cells. I was abused for over ten years. I'd hate to think I need ten years of daily cop shows to heal it. This pursuit of understanding Ayurveda and integrating it is good because I read more, and am expanding my thinking. We all have parts that take over some times and this may provide insight into this dynamic and knowledge about how to help myself and others make healthy shifts into balance.

There have always been a couple of days each week when my daughter sleeps at her dad's so I have not been unaccustomed to waking up in my apartment by myself. But I have always known that she would be back soon and I'd see her later that day or at the very latest the next day. But the day she is scheduled to leave for college is a little over two weeks away and I awoke this morning with a feeling that my skin doesn't quite fit my body anymore and there is an emptiness in my chest. It is a part of me, calling out in an echoing tunnel, for the old that has past...the sleepy baby, the curious, giggling girl, the awkward pre-teen who is now both confident and overwhelmed by change. These aspects of her live within her cellular memory and mine. They live in a dimension in the present but have stepped into the periphery of the room or into deep almost untouchable recesses.

I have chosen to attempt to plug up this enormous hole in my heart with something I have been interested in studying for quite some time: Ayurveda and it's application to the yoga I have been practicing for thirty five years and teaching for twenty five. I will have the time now as she goes off to pursue her dream of of learning how to teach elementary school. She is moving on with the work of her stage of life on the Medicine Wheel: mastery leading to independence with integrity. I am struggling with my first assignment from the Ayurvedic program which seems to be related to my teenage self: what dosha or doshas am I primarily and how is my Agni? These seem like identity questions. This may be a stage of life to revisit the identity question. Who am I beyond being my daughter's mother? She has been my life's work for nineteen years if I count growing her in the belly. This time nineteen years ago I learned she was growing in there...such a sweet discovery.

I am also feeling the stage of life related to my elder self. I know there is still much mothering to be done but it will be different long distance. I will have more freedom to study and work and teach, grow in wisdom and share this wisdom. I hope to share more about this in coming posts. It is just something I am feeling, trying on today.

Lastly, I wish to say a few words about trauma-ism. As I had to get past old trauma to become a social worker as my step uncle who abused me was a social worker and family therapist, I have to get past old trauma to study Ayurveda. As I read the text books they are loaded with Sanskrit words. My step father who abused me frequently said grace in Sanskrit before meals. He practice Vedanta and was something of a Sanskrit scholar so these words are very triggering to me. I am perplexed by how people aspire to compassion and evolution and yet can allow very dark parts to take over causing great damage. I will work through the trauma to get to the soul enriching, but I know it won't be easy. I will speak more on all these topics I have introduced in future posts.

The Birth of this Blog

  

The arch of the ancient building that houses The Hudson Valley Writer's Center is the birth portal for this blog...overlooking the waters of the river that was home to the Algonquin for many cycles of the sun. The cycle of my life is radically changing as my only daughter and love of my life embarks on her next chapter and adventure. As she begins her next phase I begin my new studies in Ayurveda, flowing along as my soul is frightened, excited and evolving at this sacred time.